you know,
sometimes when you let people dictate your life for long enough,
and you are spineless enough not to see it,
when you finally unblind yourself,
you will finally realise that you can't let it go on anymore.
if you're lucky, you'll be able to spot it when its budding.
if you're not, you'll realise that it is all too late.
i know i'm self-centred,
i know i'm spineless,
i start off thinking i am right,
den get swayed by others around me.
what is right and what is wrong?
what is real and what is perceived?
the 2 polar extremes are often seperated by just a thin thread
and sometimes you trangress the wrong realm without knowing.
for those who think they know me,
they are deluded.
for those who i've told that i'm showing my true self to,
i'm sorry i lied.
nobody can claim they know me,
(well other den GOD)
'cause i don't even know myself.

the tragedy of this all
is not in the fact that i do not know myself,
but is rather in the fact that this means i've regressed beyond the stages of being infantile.
babies know who they are to the best they can,
they express themselves.
what am i?
i want to be myself,
but i don't even know who i am.

i want to explode,
but my reasons seem trivial.
i can't bring across my emotional baggage adequately.
i want to fall apart
but who would be there to piece me back together?
this is a crucial year,
the national exam that dictates our future.
i cannot throw it away.
but yet the more i try to ignore myself,
and take each day one at a time,
the more i find myself being reduced into a puddle of mess.
i know that i am annoying,
and it is this very nature of mine that drives people away,
and at this time that i need an emotional stronghold,
i find myself with nobody to turn to.

at times like these i regret turning away those who cared,
i should have made myself fall for them,
and hold on to a relationship that gives me strength.
i've given up many things for the three times i've fallen hard,
and each time left me hurt,but not stronger,
more needy for someone else to fill this void.

lastly,
i never thought i would say this,
but at this point of time,
when everything feels like its falling,
and i have nobody to turn to,
i wish i don't love you,
'cause the pain of pretension,
only makes it harder to bear.
i'm trying not to love you,
but,unfortunately, i still do.