you know,
sometimes when you let people dictate your life for long enough,
and you are spineless enough not to see it,
when you finally unblind yourself,
you will finally realise that you can't let it go on anymore.
if you're lucky, you'll be able to spot it when its budding.
if you're not, you'll realise that it is all too late.
i know i'm self-centred,
i know i'm spineless,
i start off thinking i am right,
den get swayed by others around me.
what is right and what is wrong?
what is real and what is perceived?
the 2 polar extremes are often seperated by just a thin thread
and sometimes you trangress the wrong realm without knowing.
for those who think they know me,
they are deluded.
for those who i've told that i'm showing my true self to,
i'm sorry i lied.
nobody can claim they know me,
(well other den GOD)
'cause i don't even know myself.

the tragedy of this all
is not in the fact that i do not know myself,
but is rather in the fact that this means i've regressed beyond the stages of being infantile.
babies know who they are to the best they can,
they express themselves.
what am i?
i want to be myself,
but i don't even know who i am.

i want to explode,
but my reasons seem trivial.
i can't bring across my emotional baggage adequately.
i want to fall apart
but who would be there to piece me back together?
this is a crucial year,
the national exam that dictates our future.
i cannot throw it away.
but yet the more i try to ignore myself,
and take each day one at a time,
the more i find myself being reduced into a puddle of mess.
i know that i am annoying,
and it is this very nature of mine that drives people away,
and at this time that i need an emotional stronghold,
i find myself with nobody to turn to.

at times like these i regret turning away those who cared,
i should have made myself fall for them,
and hold on to a relationship that gives me strength.
i've given up many things for the three times i've fallen hard,
and each time left me hurt,but not stronger,
more needy for someone else to fill this void.

lastly,
i never thought i would say this,
but at this point of time,
when everything feels like its falling,
and i have nobody to turn to,
i wish i don't love you,
'cause the pain of pretension,
only makes it harder to bear.
i'm trying not to love you,
but,unfortunately, i still do.

Wow!it's been ages since a last blog man!
Haha.so many things have happened since that I know not where to start (:
I don't think I blogged about Easter retreat yet right?
It was awesome fun man!
But thinking about this year being my last Easter retreat is really sad la ):
And during Easter I made a new commitment with God! (:
I will majorly cut down on my vulgarities and I know that it is what God would want cause the next monday's reflection was on the story of the small angry boy and the nails and the holes in the wooden door (:
I must try harder! Today is day1 of the counter (: hope I don't end up back at zero on the 4th day again (: anyone who hears any bad words being uttered from my mouth is more den welcomed to turn my cheeks into tomatoes!(:

Who I was despise who I am.
How did this happen?):
And you and you were right, I've changed ):
Someone tell me how to get back onto the road I was on, cause there ain't much time left

ALRIGHT!(:
off to get my ramly burger!
And to trim my hair (:
LOVEYOU ALL! <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIFU!!(:

19yearsold le!

18years of knowing you

nearly 2 decades of friendship

LOVEYOU!<3

i must say,
today is a really mind-blowing day.
too many things thrown my way in a day.
but it is a good kinda mind-blowing(:
for most parts anyway.

firstly,
sermon today really reached right past my fears and into my heart(:
after asking the question for months,
i finally got my answer.
thank you GOD(:

and secondly was the movie screening today(:

thirdly,
something that i shan't mention here(:
but ya, sorry, thankyou and iloveyou(:

daddy just flew to australia!):
he's been flying way too much lately
hurry back daddy!
meanwhile, we'll be praying for you(:

oh man, this is bad,
i am hooked onto facebook games.
haha!
somebody shoot me please.

alright.
i shall sign off now(:
ILOVEYOUVERYMARCH!!<3

CTS ARE FINALLY OVVVVEEEEEERRRRRR!!(:
oh yes(: i smell liberty is the air(:
i have finally retrieved my hardly existant life from the bin
not sure if i should go sentosa cove this sunday
since there is lit lecture on monday morning
haha, i shall decide later on(:
i can't wait for next week!
its a holiday of FUN mugging!
study date with fbud, study sleepover with twinnie.
mugging might potentially be fun!

alright lets have a reflective remorse analysis of CTs
just so that i won't feel so bad(:

GP first.
oh my, i confess! i was half asleep when i did it.
but at least i completed it la hor(:

H1 MATH next.
it was on the same day and same location.
so friggin slack la!(:
mag and i brought skittles and m&ns in respectively
hopefully can pass.
but it was raining! perfect weather to sleep in can.
oh yes!vern and i were stuck at the same qns.
haha
mag thought vern was drawing boobs can!
haha but it was sets la.
tsk!what was mag thinking right.
and she kicked my table for m&ns!
scared the shit outta me can.

H2 HISTORY was on tuesday.
haha.one word. FUBARed!
but at least this time round,
unlike last yr's promos, i didn't go toilet!
and i actually had content to write(:
but the UN SBQ killer man.
i stopped at face value evaluation for source A
think miss teo wanna kill me when she collected my paper
i promised daddy i'll focus on lit and econs this hols,
but i'll probably leave some time for history(:
i badly need to buck up.

H2 LITERATURE was on wed
hmmm...poetry was alright.
mag and i had the same points(:
but oh my, for othello, one word.
ZOUNDS!):
and reminder to self,
tabulate points of comparison between BNW and HMT
before ever attempting the comparison again.
i wasted 25mins to 35mins writing wrongly for my othellos somemore
another paper FUBARed le

H2 ECONS was today!
haha.i slept.it was that bad.
but nvm.many people did too(:
and silly vern behind me giggling away
haha.so distracting can
cause ken chew made some mightily weird noise
it sounded slightly animalistic(no offence!)

oh well,
takeaway from this CTs?
MUG HARDER!(:

tml no sleepover at hannahs):
but nvm,
GIGS soon!!(:
hope it all turns out fine.

oh ya!
on a completely random note,
1) someone please convince mag that i am indeed horrible
2) the cardiologist and my mum thinks that i'm stressed -.-
haha joke la. how can i be stressed(:
if i am stressed, poor rain is what sia?(:

alright!
time to sign off
before daddy nags.
<3 YINGS(:

DAY ONE OF CTs OVER!(:
2 down and 3 more to go.
tomorrow is history.
i need all the prayer i can get!(:
i was hoping for a simple encouragement from you,
a simple line to keep me going. will i get it?(:

i shall take this chance to thank god for his wonderful grace on me(:
and also dedicate a short part to my beloved late grandpa
the chinese a level paper 1 had a few questions to choose from,
one of which being who i miss the most.
the first person that came to mind was my grandpa.
till date, it is still one of my greatest regret that i wasn't arnd when he passed on.
i'm sure everyone is well acquainted with the phrase
"you'd never cherish what you have till you've lost it"
and i only truly got it that year
even losing P and C was not as painful.
it was through writing the essay that all those small details came flooding back.
these daily occurences that we think nothing of
warms my heart and makes me miss him more.
i never got to say this while he was arnd,
but i'm sure he can see this from heaven right now,
GRANDPA, I LOVE YOU.

THIS WEEK IS GIGS!(:
AND SLEEPOVER AND HANNAH'S!
I CAN'T WAIT!((:
I MISS HANGING WITH YOU LOADS MAN.
THIS IS GONNA BE A GOOD WEEK(:

alright.time to shower.
time is of the essence during CT week(:

i finally got my sleeping pills!(:
hopefully i'll be able to sleep better.
den i can study better and,
i won't screw up CTs that bad!(:

i've been having strange nightmares
and waking up for no good reason alot recently.
just last night i dreamt of a war.
in my dream i was just buying tamagotchi in 7-11
(don't ask me why so random)
and i was with my family on a holiday in some obscure place.
den suddenly, all hell broke loose.
the 7-11 i was in got shot at and all.
all this craziness only lasted less den an hour
but the devastation was insane!
maybe my mind was visualising some war i've read about for history.
but at this rate,
i'll never be able to focus in class.
hope the sleeping pills work!(:

alright!
back to mugging my A-I conflict!(:
TATA!<3